Equation

Dot + Big Mo + misplaced sack of vibrators off the back of a lorry = Classic EastEnders comedy that puts even Neighbours to shame. Scriptwriters, all is forgiven.

Nice of me to pop in

I'm back. Not that I went anywhere of course. I've spent the last two weeks being driven completely insane as I've had Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" in my head almost constantly. The man won't leave me alone. Why, in the ad break during Twister just now (one of the two movies owned by ITV2 along with A Few Good Men) three ads in a row have started with the "Air" drum beats - the Cadburys ad (which is quickly reaching "Wassuuuuuuuup" levels of annoyance), the Collins Greatest Hits and some dad rock drive-time compilation.

I've also spent the last two weeks patrolling the shops dejectedly for a winter coat that will fit over the bump (which appeared two weeks ago and is very much growing by the day) still by the time March rolls around, when I expect to be the size of Henry VIII. It is not proving successful, and if anyone has any ideas (preferably better than my current solution of "big cardigan over eight layers) I'd be most grateful.

Away from the grumpiness - a question. Where on earth has this "Peggy in a landslide of debt" storyline popped up from on EastEnders? Where was all the foreshadowing? EastEnders loves foreshadowing. At the very least I expected to have a scene or two of Peggy manfully playing down a card declination in the Mini Mart, or squishing a mountain of Jacques Vert shopping bags behind the board games in Ben's closet. Get a grip, writers.

Dear Amir Khan...

Elvis called - he wants his trousers back.

Soldier boy

We all know that Sean Slater is a hardcore soldier whose personality quirks are due to war horrors, but is that really an excuse to stand with his arms half a foot away from his sides as if he was Action Man?

I could make a tasteless "gripping hands" joke here, but I can't quite get to it.