Monday, September 18, 2006

Hey y'all - and Ten Things

I suppose one should start an online diary with some hard hitting statements about politics, religion and other stuff which might make one sound vaguely intellectual. However, I can’t be arsed, and instead will kick off proceedings with this quiz that someone sent me in an email last week. I couldn’t finish it at work, because of, well…work, so I’ll do it now.

10 random things you might not know about me (hell, let’s change this to ‘won’t know about me’)

1. Despite holding a good degree, I make my living by sitting behind a desk in a local government office stamping invoices and shouting at people for not tidying the stationery cupboard. Oh, and once a week I get to use scissors and glue for press cuttings. It’s like being on Playschool.
2. I love hummus, and should not be left alone with a pot of it, because it will be eaten in one go. And then I will bore the ass of you moaning that I’m a fat bastard.
3. I’m getting married in Sydney this Christmas.
4. I love to cook.
5. I can’t bring myself to touch cotton wool. My Dad’s the same.
6. I have a rare form of eczema that refuses to respond to any treatment. Yeah, I’m hot, I know.

7. I have insomnia. Not “ooh, a bit of trouble dropping off” insomnia. Proper, hardcore insomnia which means that I average three hours of sleep a night. This is partly the reason I’ve started this diary – I have all this crap rotating round in my head at four a.m. when I can’t sleep and thought that writing it down may help to clear my head. I’m hoping that my body clock might reset itself when I get out to Sydney and for the first time in about ten years I might be able to get a full eight hours kip of a night.
8.I love cricket.
9. I’m a proper sap and will cry at pretty much anything. Most recent tears have resulted from a) hearing about Steve Irwin dying b) listening to a busker playing Diary by Bread in Covent Garden having got drunk and morose beforehand (yes, I know. Shut up) c) watching Les Mis on Friday with K. My God, did we embarrass ourselves.
10. I had depression at university. It was absolutely awful and not anything I would wish on anyone, ever.

Nine places I’ve visited

1. New York
2. Mexico
3. Italy
4. Portugal
5. Morocco
6. France
7. Spain
8. Ireland
9 Tenerife (on an ill-advised post A-levels Booze Britain type holiday.)

Eight ways to win my heart

1. Indulge the fact that I need to watch The Lost Boys on a bi-weekly basis.
2. Buy me a beer when I’m feeling gloomy. Hops cures all ills.
3. Come to Lords with me. There’s nothing better than sitting in the sun for six or seven hours with a mate, a bag of beer and a hog roast roll, wearing a fake Monty Panesar beard and failing to take any notice of the last six overs as you’re unable to stop laughing at the fact that said mate has just dropped a chicken drumstick in their pint of Strongbow.
4. Cook me a steak. Red meat buys friends.
5. Make me cry with laughter. Double points if you manage to make me pull all my stomach muscles.
6. Sky+ cookery shows for me as a surprise. “Yay, Celebrity Masterchef!”
7. Make me feel better when I’m irrationally worried about stuff. Lack of sleep sometimes affects my judgement
8. Come out for a drive with me. There’s something fantastically pointless about getting in the car and heading off up the M40 for absolutely no reason with the stereo on full whack, singing along to AC/DC in an Angus stylee and scaring fellow roadsters.

Seven things I want to do before I die

1. Have babies.
2. Learn to drive…..
3. So I can take part in a banger race across Europe
4. Visit Australia (hurry up, December)
5. Not have any debt apart from my mortgage.
6. Buy a HOUSE. A HOUSE, with stairs and spare bedrooms one can actually get more than a bed and a PC in, and a garden and a dining room….I reckon before I achieve this one I’ll have to achieve number 5.
7. Do a bobsleigh run.

Six things I’m afraid of

1. Slugs. Oh, shut up. This stems from when I lived in my old flat, the bathroom of which was a damp afterthought and in which, every morning, would be a selection of slimy invertebrates. One was wrapped round my toothbrush once. And it was orange. Ew. And arrrgh.
2. The twins in Kubrick’s The Shining.
3. Not being able to protect those that are close to me.
4. Hooded figures. Another strange phobia inherited off my dad.
5. Staying in the same job till I’m 60 and being one of those people who have worked in the same office forever and every fibre of their soul is entrenched with bitterness.
6. Power cuts when alone. The Depression Era came complete with panic attacks when plunged into pitch darkness and I do not particularly want to revisit that fiasco, thank you. Plus I always forget where the candles are.

Five things I don’t like

1. Dairy produce. Yes, that includes cheese.
2. Celebrity-driven reality shows, apart from those that feature cookery.
3. The alarm clock. “Oh…just ten more minutes…FINE! Quit it! I’m up!”
4. The word ‘moist’. Ack. I can’t even type it without shuddering.
5. Stereotypical Yummy Mummyness. “Darling , you can never get hold of a Guardian in Stoke Newington after ten a.m.!” “Octavia, that organic hummus is for lunch, not elevenses!” OK, with the last one I was just jealous that Octavia had hummus whereas I did not.

Four ways to turn me off

1. Take the piss if I am having an irrational-worry moment.
2. Wear your jeans belted under your butt with the whole of your pants showing. What the hell is that about? See also: wearing a baseball cap with the price tag left on so people think you’ve nicked it. London teenagers – sort yourselves out. NOW.
3. Tell me that I should really use some concealer on that biopsy scar.
4. Display honking great amounts of insensitivity.

Three things that I do every day

1. Listen to Jose Gonzalez’s Heartbeats, which is my going-down-the-‘aisle’ music, and wonder what the wedding is actually going to be like. Organising the whole thing from the other side of the world means that until I get there I’ve not really got a picture in my head of what it’s going to be like.
2. Tell The Fiance that I love him.
3. Have a ridiculous flight of fantasy that involves me winning the Lottery and doing bugger all apart from lying in a hammock on a beach while a shirtless Kiefer Sutherland brings me beers.

Two things that make me happy

1. Lying on the sofa in the flat with The Fiance, watching downloaded dramas from the States and spotting gaping plotholes.
2. Sitting in a beer garden with K in the sun, drinking cold, cold wine and talking about trivial subjects.

One thing on my mind right now

1. Where is my Tesco delivery? No, seriously, WHERE IS IT.

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