Saturday, September 23, 2006

"We trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister!"

“Can I delete the Lost Boys off Sky+ yet?”

“Nooooo! I’m going to watch that later!”

“But you only watched it last week!”


“Oh for the love of God…”

So goes the fairly regular conversation that The Fiance and I have. Try as he might (which is not at all, I might point out) he fails to understand the Lost Boys and its greatness, and why K and I feel the need to take over the living room for two hours once a fortnight to indulge in watching it. I suppose I could go out and buy it on DVD and go round to K’s and watch it there so The Fiance can get on with watching programmes with Clarkson in; but I am harbouring a grudge from my VHS copy of the film being binned by said Fiance in a moment of Kiefer-overload (we’d just watched series 4 of 24 in a day and a half) so refuse to delete it off Sky+ just yet.

So, in honour of The Fiance, and the countless other blokes out there who are in the same situation as him, here is a comprehensive list of exactly why this film rules.

1. Bill S. Preston Esquire! Dude! OK, in this he is known as ‘Marko’ and sports a really offensive curly mullet, but he’s Bill, and I will never call him anything else. The first time I watched this film I was with my brother, who was aged about six at the time and whose favourite film was Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. When he saw ‘Marko’ get killed in this, he cried for about three days and the only sense Mum could get out of him was: “They killed Bill! They killed Bill!” Heh.

2. The Frog Brothers. I love the fact that Feldman’s bandana does all the acting for him in this film. Actually, the reason I love the Frog Brothers is their childlike enthusiasm for all things vampire, and the fact that Alan Frog is responsible for one of the best lines in the entire film: “Holy shit! It’s the attack of Eddie Munster!”

3. Star. Talk about putting the ‘ho’ in Boho. I am often lost for words at the duffness of Star. She spends all the time mooning about wearing floaty gypsy skirts and wrapped in that blanket, shagging and generally being wet. However, there is a moment early on in the film where we see Star's true colours. She doesn't really want David, or Michael for that matter (actually, I reckon this film was probably good training for the Kiefer/Patric/Julia Roberts fracas that was to erupt a couple of years later). She doesn't even want Bill S. Preston, which is surely the sign of someone not quite right in the head. No. She wants.....

.,....the oiled up, mulleted, sax-totin' muscleman who plays a gig on the boardwalk. And who wouldn't? I can't find a screen clip of Star at said gig, which is a real shame because she hilariously looks on the point of orgasm. Almost as much as Corey Haim does. Ew.

4. The oiled-up, mulleted, sax-totin' muscleman who plays a gig on the boardwalk. Yes, he deserves a point all of his own. The man is a legend! Embarrassingly, I was listening to the souondtrack for this film the other day when I was cleaning, and The Fiance came home to find me cleaning the toilet while singing this song at the top of my voice complete with saxophone 'noises'. The loo made for a pleasing echo effect, by the way. For those interested in trivia and stalking, you will be pleased to know that this hot chap's real name is Timmy Cappello, and he has made something of a name for himself by being Tina Turner's sax back-up. He also has a myspace, but I am unsure that it is actually him that's set it up, seeing as one of his interests is apparently 'being pelvic'. Check it out:

Scarily, while investigating this page, I note that Star, David and Marko also have myspace pages! The undead have internet access? Cool!

5. Grandpa. Root beer lovin', vampire baiting, TV Guide reading excellency. Plus, Windex as aftershave? Sex-aay. Wish I was the Widow Johnson.

6. "You're a vampire Michael! Boy, you wait till Mom finds out! It's not like getting a D in Math, you know!" HAAAAAA! Best...line...ever. It even beats the Eddie Munster one. Whenever my brother or I had done something pretty bad when younger and were awaiting the inevitable bollocking from the school, we would always yell this line at each other. It became less funny after we both did in fact get a D in "Math" in our mocks and still got grounded.

7. IT'S GOT KIEFER IN IT. OK, he does sport an unfortunate bleach blonde mullet, but any film with Kiefer in it rocks.

8. Everything about Corey Haim. Nowadays, Haim is a bloated tool who worryingly tried to sell his teeth and hair on eBay. Then....actually, he was a complete tool in the 80s as well. But this film is arguable his finest hour. Let's investigate:

a) the clothes. WHO was in charge of wardrobe in this film? And what did they have against Haim? Everyone else did ok. Michael, although it pains me to admit it, looks rather hot in all that leather. The vampires also rock the leather., well, a white gyspy skirt was all she needed, and it is insinuated that she spends most of her time out of said skirt anyway. But Corey....what the hell. First off, we have that mental dressing gown. My eyes, my eyes! Then, we have a selection of painful shirts that look like Jackson Pollock had got at them. But the worst has to be the...what the hell is it? A coat? A shirt? The hell with it, decide for yourselves:

Either way, it's minging.

b) "And a special cameo from Mr Rob Lowe!" I am unsure how old Haim is meant to be in this movie. I'd guess around 15? Anyway, let's say he is. Now a question for you: how many 15 year old boys do you know who keep a poster of Rob Lowe on their wardrobe door? Especially a poster of Rob Lowe wearing what appears to be a crop top, for the love of God, and displaying those fine tanned abs for all they are worth.

c) "I ain't got a maaaaaaaaan! I ain't got a song!" I wonder if, when Haim was given the script to this film, he saw this scene and kicked off. "You want me to do what? Sit in a bubble bath and sing about the fact I haven't got a man? Yo kidding me?" Somehow, I think not. Haim is loving this scene. It was probably the highlight of the 80s for him. Twat. Actually, the best thing about this scene is the look the dog gives him. "If you don't stop squealing in your horrible high pitched voice, boy, I will fuck you up. You hear me? Ooh, vampires!"

9. Taxidermy. There's a joke here about Haim and the beaver, but I can't quite get to it.

10. Vampire death zone. Melting vampire in a bath of garlic? Done (but not before some very, very bad acting on the part of one of the vampires who is apparently called Paul. These are not very vampiry names, Schmacher.) Death by a bunch of fireworks and a stereo? Done (the situation is helpfully explained to us by Haim, who exclaims: "Death by stereo!" Michael looks like he wants to deck him at this point.) Death by, er, antler horn? Done. Goodbye Kiefer!

So, there we have it. A most excellent round up of reasons why the Lost Boys rocks. Actually, having just re-read this, it seems that I haven't really sold it that well. Never mind.

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